Unromantic By John DeSando, WCBE's "It's Movie Time," "Cinema Classics," and "On the Marquee"
"You love her
but she loves him
and he loves somebody else.
You just can't win." J. Geils Band, Love Stinks
This Means War is an action romance with paint by numbers action and totally implausible romance. Although the love triangle consists of improbably beautiful characters, their love war lacks the minimum fire and wit of the worst Judd Apatow comedy. The triangle is less interesting than in Twilight or Les Miserables but just about as humorless. The war motif turns out to be too warlike?surprisingly unromantic.
Even in Apatow there is some semblance of reality such as bachelor partying in Vegas, but in This Means War no single scene rings true from a government agent living in an apartment with a swimming pool, and accompanying babes, above the glass of the hallway to using government equipment to spy on a romantic rival.
Agents FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy), best friends who sit at desks across from each other, unknowingly date the same eligible lady, Lauren (Reese Witherspoon). Their competition, once they find out about the sharing, is characterized by adolescent reactions and high-tech snooping, none of which is either funny or smart. Director McG places an image of Redford and Newman as Butch and Sundance on a screen to let us know the buddy film is alive and well. However, Pine and Hardy do not have the same chemistry or lines although they are in the competition with the iconic stars for good looks.
The clich?d subplot has the two agents pursuing foreign bad guy Heinrich (Til Schweiger, a European star relegated to looking very mean and nothing else) on a case assigned by a very angry Collins (Angela Bassett in a thanklessly bitchy role). When they all meet up (including Lauren), the usual car chase ensues with the usually improbable results. Not even the over-the-top effects and quips help in this formulaic denouement.
Although allowance for absurdity should always be made in fantasies like this, some semblance of reality is necessary for the audience to be able to laugh at their own fallible humanity through the characters.
Not here does it happen.
"Do you think Gloria Steinem sat in jail so you could be a little bitch?" Trish (Chelsea Handler, Lauren's girlfriend confidante)
John DeSando co-hosts WCBE 90.5's It's Movie Time, Cinema Classics, and On the Marquee, which can be heard streaming at http://publicbroadcasting.net/wcbe/ppr/index.shtml and on demand at http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/wcbe/arts.artsmain He is also a film critic for Fox TV 28. Contact him at JDeSando@Columbus.RR.com